by Joshua Minton
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I do not want to reach the end of my career and look back down the ladder of my success and realize that the steps I used to ascend were actually the bodies of those who got in my way or provided easy targets to take advantage of. I like to be more creative in my solutions and build upon the synergy created through solid relationships with others.But not every blogger shares my ethics and many have built reputations based on destroying those in power and setting themselves up as some kind of champion of the people (think virtual Bill O'Reilly); therefore corporations would be wise to consistently monitor the blogosphere for brand-slams that need to be dealt with immediately (and I'm not talking about threat of legislation because that won't work).
In a survey of corporate marketing and communications professionals conducted by Guidewire and iUpload, 55 percent of corporations are blogging. 91.4 percent of these use blogs for internal communications and 96.6 percent for external outreach as well.Now my question is, "Where the hell are the rest of the corporate bloggers?" None of the managers, directors, vice presidents, or CEOs of any of the companies I have worked for during the past two years have ever used the term blog or podcast in any conversation, private or public.
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In September, Anthony R. Martin, 52, of Belleville, Ill., became the latest person to call the police and complain that someone had stolen his illegal drugs. But there was more: Martin told the investigating officer that a hostile neighbor had taken his marijuana plants, but when he showed the officer the room where he usually kept them, the plants were still there. Martin then said whoever took them must have returned them. He was charged with growing marijuana.This is exactly why I quit smoking pot after college.
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I want to run through the halls of my high school.And that, I think, is what we would all like—to be able to walk in to that banquet room in the Marriott and have our decade of accomplishments stream out behind us as silent and obvious as the ribbons on the handlebars of a little girl’s bicycle flying down the hill on West Chester Road. And some of us will. Most of us will most likely schmooze and smile and laugh and toast and show pictures of our kids and talk about our houses or the horror stories and epiphanies of the travels we’ve made. We shouldn’t talk about politics, but probably will once a couple of drinks have settled into the collective bloodstream. People who used to laugh at the fat Rush Limbaugh when he was on television the year we graduated now listen to him daily with religious solemnity. And some of us who shouted “Eff tha police,” are now thinking about running for office. What’s the old saying, “If you’re not a liberal by the time you’re twenty, you’ve got no heart. But if you’re not conservative by the time that you’re thirty, you’ve got no brain?”
I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
I just found out there’s no such thing as the real world,
It’s just a lie we’ve got to rise above
I just can’t wait for my ten-year reunion
I’m gonna bust down those double doors.
And when I’m standing on the table before you,
You’ll find out what all this time was for.
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BWP Get a Job Tip: Never accept a job offer right away. You need to take copious notes when speaking with the person extending you the offer. Ask them about:I called the HR manager the next day and accepted their offer. I was told that I could start a week from the next Monday as that should be enough time to get my background check completed. In fact, it took two weeks to finally come through and set my start date.
- 401(k) plan (who administers it, how much does the employer match, and how long before they begin matching it)
- Bonuses or profit sharing (guaranteed or not?)
- Vacation/sick time (how much and how long do you have to wait)
- Tuition Reimbursement (how much, how long do you have to wait, do they participate in any “floating” programs where colleges withhold your bill until after your grades come in)
- Do they reimburse cell phone, car, computer equipment, etc.
- Is there a company retirement plan? (If so, how much, how long do you have to wait, etc.)
- Assuming you accept the offer, what are the next steps (background check, drug test, etc.)
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Those who do not think beyond stage one often think of property rights as simply benefits to those fortunate enough to own property. This ignores the role of property rights as a key link in a chain of events that enable people without property to generate wealth for themselves and the whole society.So, the next time some burned out hippie starts to lecture you about foreign debt over power chords, please point them in Dr.Sowell's direction and tell them "Fug you very much."
One implication of this is that some Third World countries could gain the use of more capital by making property rights more accessible within their own borders than by a ten-fold increase in the amount of foreign aid they receive. Moreover, the increased capital would be in the hands of millions of ordinary people, while foreign aid goes into the hands of the political elite. In short, although property rights are often thought of as things that are important primarily to the affluent and the rich, these legal recognitions of existing assets may be especially needed by poor individuals in poor countries, if they do not wish to continue to be poor.
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PORTSMOUTH, Ohio — A 21-year-old woman was arrested and charged with abuse of a corpse yesterday in connection with the death of a newborn... Sarah Halcomb confessed to disposing of the infant boy’s body days after she gave birth alone at her home, Sheriff Marty V. Donini said. The child was stillborn, according to preliminary autopsy reports...It appears that Halcomb disposed of the body on a roadside before animals dragged it about 25 yards, Donini said.This gives new meaning to the term human animal.
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HR Lady: Do you have a pulse?The second interview came about a week later and was a little more of the same but it did dip into the technical part of my resume and ended up with her saying she’d recommend me to the hiring manager. She said that if I didn’t hear back from the company within five business days, I could assume they had filled the role.
Me: Yes
HR Lady: Do you have a brain that functions?
Me: Yes
HR Lady: Can you spell Health Insurance?
Me: Yes
HR Lady: Okay, I’m going to recommend you to my boss
Me: Thank you.
GET A JOB TIP: Your purpose as a job seeker in an interview is to continue getting asked back for more interviews until an offer is extended to you for a job. In these interviews, you are both the salesperson as well as the product being sold and you must peak the company’s interest in you at every angle. Therefore, “Tell me about yourself” is not a request for a life story but rather “Tell me what you can do for our company.” Answer this question with every response and you will continue to be asked back and will most likely be extended an offer assuming that you have the qualifications and experience they are looking for in a candidate.During the panel interview, I was told by the hiring manager that they were looking to shake things up and to get some fresh new ideas. I was told that they would always be open to hearing new ideas, etc.
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[The money is] needed to address a projected enrollment increase of about 1,000 students by 2010, officials said. If voters approve the levy, it would cost the owner of a $100,000 home about $620 a yearIn case you didn't believe your eyes, let's go over those numbers again:
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| Eric Clapton | Unplugged | This album actually came to me when I was seventeen. I had just gotten my first CD player and joined Columbia House (didn't we all?). This was my first monthly selection that I forgot to send my card in on. I was naive enough to have opened the box and actually played the damn disc. I was blown away. I had grown up listening to "Cocaine" and "Layla," but Clapton on the acoustic guitar was like Angels singing. This was the album that made me buy an acoustic guitar and try to save the world with it (it turns out that the word processor was much more powerful in my hands than the guitar, but it still sits on a stand behind me and I'll pick it up and noodle with it every now and then, trying to be Clapton). Anyway, the rumors are true--Clapton is God. |
| Bob Dylan | Time Out of Mind | Sure his voice sounds like he gargles with gravel. Sure, he tends to ramble on like Bill Clinton in any of his tortuous state of the union addresses, but Dylan still has it and this album is the best one he's ever done. Oh, you may say that you hate Dylan, but you've never heard him sing "Tryin to Get to Heaven." This is an album that will grow on you with every listen (either that or it will make you shrink like a Shrinky Dink until your mind is small enough to appreciate it.) |
| Fleetwood Mac | Rumours | This album is history in the making. It was like a soap opera, with both Stevie Nicks and Lindsay Buckingham breaking up along with Christie and John McVie ending it. Songs were written to hurt others, but the music is still effing fantastic. The key songs on here are "Second Hand News" and "Gold Dust Woman," which will always be on the most kick ass songs ever. But there is also one of the best acoustic songs ever played on here by Lindsay Buckingham titled "Never Going Back Again." And you can't forget the gorgeous McVie ballad "Songbird," which should bring tears to your eyes if you are or ever have been in love and if you still have a beating heart in your pathetic chest, you schlep. If you don't own the album, get it from your local library, buy it, or steal the shit. But everyone needs a copy in their collection. |
| Pink Floyd | Animals | It was a real toss up as to which Floyd album to pick and two actually made it onto my list and they were more for sentimental reasons than great music (although they are both great). But what I mean to say is how is one to choose from the pickings of one of the greatest artistic collaborations this past century? Roger Waters and David Gilmour are at opposite ends of the expressionary spectrum, but they made it work for eight albums and what an eight album run it was. This one, though, hit my literary soft spot with its reference to Orwell's Animal Farm (You know, "Two legs good, four legs bad," and "All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.") The best song on the album is "Dogs," with its sixteen minute length, it almost demands good pot (with red hairs in purple buds) to truly be appreciated. Damn, I miss those kind bud college days. But don't underestimate the opening and closing salvo, "Pigs on the Wing, Pts I and II," because their simplicity and masterful acoustic work will knock you on your ass when you're not looking. |
| Paul Simon | Graceland | How can you resist this album with its African influences, catchy rhythms, hypnotic choruses and refrains? And the lyrics--don't even get me started on the genius of his lyrics. Want a taste? Consider this verse from the title track:She comes back to tell me she's goneAnd while the lyrics are good, the delivery makes them ten times better. |
| Roger Waters | Amused to Death | While I love and respect David Gilmour for his simple vocal delivery and mastery of the guitar, my writer's heart will always lie with Roger Waters. The man has an unbelievable grasp of what a "blooded" metaphor is and his vocal range was right on par with his message. It is this trick that allows songwriters whose voices aren't the greatest to become legends (for further examples, consider Neil Young, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, and Geddy Lee). This album is pure concept like all of Waters's albums, but this one has something that applies to all of humanity. From the opening salvo of "What God Wants, Pt. I" through "The Bravery of Being Out of Range," (a nix at the modern warfare tactic of lobbing cruise missiles from a hundred miles away while drunks in bars cheer the war like a soccer match). The two best tracks are "Watching TV," which deals with a young Chinese girl's death as televised by CNN. I actually learned how to play this song and played it for my Chinese language teacher at BGSU who was a student and revolutionary in Mao Tse Dong's Cultural Revolution. In the sixties, she participated in defacing Buddha statues and helped defile her parents' generation for that tyrant. She broke into tears after I played the song and confessed to us that she would never rid herself of the guilt from the horrible things she did. The last song and title track is about an alien species coming to earth after humanity has destroyed itself and determining that our species died from over stimulation and amusing ourselves to death. This is not a make out album or something to play on a happy family excursion, but it still has great artistic validity. |
| Beastie Boys | Paul's Boutique | This album was so far ahead of its time that we've barely caught up to it. This is a pure work of art, perfect on every level of presentation. The lyrics are sharp, the beats snap and the songs never get old. I remember hating it the first time I heard it and loving it the second. I have nothing else to say about this one but that everyone who ever loved anything about hip-hop should own this album. |
| Counting Crows | August and Everything After | Who doesn't remember "Mr. Jones?" This CD reminds me of my freshman year in college (the first freshman year at the University of Cincinnati in 1993). My best friend Paul and I went to The Waterfront and saw an old buddy Frankie Arnwine down there. We listened to this album on the way back and I fell in love with it. It holds memories of the buxom Italian dame that I lost my virginity to and it also holds other memories, some painful, of dealings with the opposite sex throughout the 90s. Now, it just holds up as one of the greatest albums from one of the most poetic and musically talented bands that would go on to produce several high quality albums. But this was their first and it reminds me of my first...and everything after. |
| Sarah Mclachlan | Fumbling Towards Ecstasy | My wife introduced me to this album and our mutual friend Dan Gerken introduced her to it. Every song is a masterpiece and I could listen to it at any time. The reason why this one made the list is that every time I turn the pages of my CD collection and see it, I think of what a great CD it is and wish that I was listening to it right then and that is about the perfect definition of what one of the greatest CDs is. |
| Nirvana | Unplugged | You can't find this kind of raw emotion in many albums nowadays, but take it for what it's worth. This is Cobain's swan song. I'm not one of those pathetics that actually went out and bought this jag off's diary and treated it like some fifth testament from the Bible, but what Nirvana had to say perfectly defined the culture of the American teenager in the early 1990s. They brought the grunge thing in and killed it. You have to give them that. That being said, the album stands completely on its own musically as one of the most powerful performances by any band playing acoustic guitars and hitting miked up percussion in a small studio. |
| R.E.M. | Automatic for the People | This is actually the first R.E.M. album that I every heard and I bought it on a whim. Sure, I'd heard "Shiny Happy People" and "Losing My Religion," but something made me want to purchase this album. Maybe it was that depth charge or whatever the hell was on the cover, but it turned out to be a tour de force of mellow and poignant ballads that stay with me today. I'm a fan of R.E.M. after the period of this album and nobody can prove to me that they aren't better today than they were in 1982. Stick "It's the End of the World as We Know It" up your bisquick squirter; I'll take "Nightswimming" any day. |
| Seal | Seal (1991) | I bought this album in 1991 after hearing the song "Crazy" on MTV. The song is still bad ass to this day and Seal remains an artist that creates on his own level. Every song on here is great, but my three favorites are "Whirlpool," a great acoustic ballad that I can still hit every note on; "Show Me," which I sang karaoke to in a redneck bar when I was nineteen (I brought the CD and the guy phased the vocals out.) I blew that room away and ended up hooking up with one the waitresses from my restaurant that I'd been trying to get with for awhile. And the final song, and possibly the his best ever is "Violet," perhaps the most mellow song ever written (leaving out anything by Simon and Garfunkel, of course). |
| Sublime | 40 oz. to Freedom | The greatest waste of talent in America in the late 1990s was Brad Nowell. The guy was an ace guitar player, had an uncanny knack at putting across a social and spiritual message in hip language that appealed to the youth of America across all demographics. But he was a junkie first and foremost and his talent was pissed away in a heated spoon. This album is a party on plastic from beginning to end. It's got all the emotion, all the anger, all the vibrations of youth and I feel ten years younger every time I listen to it. And with every listen I get one level more pissed off that this prick wasted his life and talent on bullshit. |
| Tool | Aenima | Nothing has ever scared me as much as this album. My buddy Carl Rich introduced me to Tool and I give him props for it. Back when I was the Prophet Joshua and I heard the song "Eulogy" for the first time, I actually experienced my own mental crucifixion. Here the words:Jump down/get off your fucking cross/We need the fucking space/to nail the next fool martyrand You claimed all this time that you would die for me/Why then are you so surprised when you hear your own eulogy?Listen to those words and still try to save the world. I dare you! Maynard James Keenan is the number one top vocalist in the world today, in my opinion. And beyond that, he has a vision that pulses and spurts out of every lyric and vocal incantation. There is no band like Tool and there never will be. This album has magic in it and it is played in my home during certain ritually appropriate times. It is most definitely one of the greatest albums that ever was or ever will be made. Need more proof? I have never heard a "hard metal" album played at a college party, but this one was played at more than a dozen that I went to in the Spring and Fall of 1998. |
| Miles Davis | Kind of Blue | Ah, the quintessential Miles. This is the album that all fraternity rats have in their collection for the old bump and grind after Tuesday night meetings and drinks at the bar. Mellow, mellow, mellow. Every note hits and Coletrane delivers for his part. This is the perfect introduction CD for anyone interested in opening themselves up to jazz. Miles Davis had the hands down best names for his albums of anyone I've ever come across. Need proof? Birth of the Cool and Bitches Brew. Enough said. |
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Click Here To Find Out Which Podcasts and Blog Casts Josh is Listening To
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Previously classified documents being released Monday show numerous misuses of FBI surveillance, including improper searches and seizures of e-mails and bank records, The Washington Post reported in Monday's editions.Later on, the article goes on to say that the FBI claims that "most of the violations were administrative errors."
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Good also balances his post with the negatives of blogs but I thought I'd focus on the benefits here. You can read his entire post here.
- Blogs are trustworthy because they are independent and are not connected to a larger organization with its own agenda.
- Blogs offer a level of expertise that traditional news sources cannot achieve. Many blogs focus on specific topics and are written by experts in that field...these people have a first-hand familiarity with the issues they write about and offer a raw insider perspective that trained journalists often lack...Reading a blog is often hearing the info directly from the experts
- The Blogosphere As A Peer-Review Community
Blogs are an open form for information exchange, and when a blog is not publishing accurate, quality content, it will be attacked on discussion forums and other blogs
- Bloggers don’t strive for this unattainable objectivity, they bring their political opinions to the forefront and speak their minds without hesitation. While some may believe this degrades credibility because bloggers have open political agendas, it can actually build credibility with an audience because the agenda is out in the open
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Promoting the selection and sale of babies in this way (especially according to physical traits) deprecates the adoption process by turning an intensely profound experience into a superficial, commercial enterprise...OK, so adopted kids aren't paid for? Bullcheet!
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After seven years of enrollment increases, Ohio's public colleges and universities saw their numbers drop slightly this fall - a downturn that comes a year after a state task force challenged schools to boost their enrollment by 30 percent in the next 10 years.When are we going to be honest with ourselves and admit that our colleges have become high-priced high-schools who are teaching students the same crap that students twenty years ago should have learned while in high school.
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What the hell have we done? From the original George (Washington, dammit, not GHWB) insisting that he be called Mister President rather than majesty, sire, excellency or all that crap, we have gone to a total imperial presidency. Worse, we have made the fucking office hereditary. Any Kennedy could have run and been elected, once. The Bushes are another dynasty aborning. Senators, Representatives and bureaucrats are part of the deal, too. Relatives and in-laws are almost guaranteed a government job.I have long looked back at our first President was immense reverence because he held the most power that any Commander-in-Chief ever held in the hearts and minds of the American populace--and he gave it all up to go back to the farm and become just another citizen.
And somehow they believe they are entitled, somehow above the rest of us. We are peasants required to support this aristocracy we have imposed upon ourselves, or risk imprisonment.
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After reading this article, I am even further convinced on my initial conviction that iPods could serve as virtual lecture halls.Using little more than an iPod and a school computer, Gagliolo and her students have been making podcasts — online radio shows that can be downloaded to an iPod or other portable MP3 player. Avidly discussing their favorite iPod colors and models while they made recordings of their poems and book reports the other day, the fifth-graders bubbled with ideas for future subjects.Imagine being able to have an audio and visual record of your students' entire academic year that they will be able to take with them everywhere and keep forever.
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Some wars are unavoidable and need to be fought, but this doesn't erase warfare's waste. Sorry, we must say to the mothers whose sons will die horribly. This will never end. Sorry.I don't know if that's by the author or if he pulled it some from somewhere else. But I liked the way it came out, especially in the context of the book.
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...In Germany, 36 percent of undergrads receive degrees in science and engineering; in China, 59 percent; in Japan, 66 percent; and in America, 32 percent. It would be about why Japanese on bullet trains can access the Internet with cell phones, and Americans’ cell-phone service gets interrupted five minutes from home.Did you know that a government council on threats to national security noted the lack of American expertise in math and science as a greater future threat to this country's long-term survival than terrorism?
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I don’t know how to end it or even ease it. But I’ll tell you one thing – don’t be tearing down my fence or smashing my windows or doors and expect to walk away without leaving some blood. Because, motherfucker, I’ll shoot your sorry ass.As an aside, I found the following headline somewhat ironic and somewhat amusing (considering that it was a FoxNews headline): "Thousands Gather for 10th Anniversary of Million Man March."
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People who hate people, unite!But the truth is that there remains a lot of, dare I say the word, love in the group.
No!
We're having trouble getting off the ground because nobody wants to come to a meeting.
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[Lee] wouldn’t be shocked if rumors about government involvement in the flooding proved true.If anything was demonstrated during Katrina, it was the government's incompetence to enact a successful project plan in the midst of a natural disaster.

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A business team I was on was having problems communicating so during an offsite, we all put our heads together and came up with these thirty-five ground rules for communicating in a professional team setting.Permalink
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....are we under attack? It appears that the answer is yes."Three explosive devices found in a courtyard between two Georgia Tech dormitories on the East Campus Monday morning were part of a "terrorist act," an Atlanta police official said..."
That's not all.Stephen Bainbridge notes than an explosive device was discovered on the UCLA campus last Friday. He adds: Let's hope it's just an odd coincidence, but, when coupled with the recent University of Oklahoma bombing, one also hopes that there will be a complete investigation.
Mark Tapscott has been covering the story of the Oklahoma bombing extensively. There are many unanswered questions, but the bombing looks highly suspicious at least and has similarities with the Georgia and UCLA bombings.
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Buffett's songs are short stories that paint the beating heart of the explorer and life enjoyer that resides in the hearts of even the most carmudgeonous Americans.
The ice cream man he’s a hillbilly fan
Got seventy-eights by hank snow
Walks down the street, shufflin’ his feet
To a rhythm that only he knows
And I’ve seen him in so many places
I saw him the night I was born
In a bourbon street bar, I received my first scar
From an old man so tattered and torn
Chorus:
And the wino and I know the pain of street singin’
Like a door-to-door salesman knows the pains of bell ringin’
Strange situation, wild occupation
Livin’ my life like a song
Coffee is strong at the cafe du monde
Donuts are too hot to touch
Just like a fool, when those sweet goodies cool
I eat ’til I eat way too much
’cause I’m livin’ on things that excite me
Be they pastry or lobster or love
I’m just tryin’ to get by bein’ quiet and shy
In a world full of pushin’ and shove
Chorus:
And the wino and I know the pain of back bustin’
Like the farmer knows the pain of his pickup truck rustin’
Strange situation, wild occupation
Livin’ my life like a song
Sweet senorita won’t you please come with me
Back to the island honey, back to the sea
Back to the only place that I want to be
Chorus:
And the wino and I know the joy of the ocean
Like a boy knows the joy of his milkshake in motion
Strange situation, wild occupation
Livin’ my life like a song
Yes it’s a strange situation, a wild occupation
Livin’ my life like a song
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The president’s speech on terrorism Thursday was excellent. He made clear, better than ever, why winning in Iraq is so important to the wider struggle against Islamo-fascism. But it only makes me that much more angry that he fought this war as though it would be easy — never asking for any sacrifice, any military draft, any tax hikes or any gasoline tax — and that he tolerated so much incompetence along the way.I think Friedman is full of shit when it comes to the extra taxes and the military draft but I think he's got the crux of the frustrations of everyone when he talks about the shoulder shrugging off of incompetence that has pretty much become the defining action of this administration.
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We are nearing the end of the eighth season of Little House on the Praire, which is the last season that Charles and Carolyn Ingalls were on the show.Permalink
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by Michael Surber
May 23, 2005
Dear Davey:
I have had a difficult time, over the past few years, achieving closure of our relationship. It is time for me to seek this. I have gone through the appropriate stages of anger, remorse, sadness. It is now time for me to close this chapter of my life.
I am trying to recapture my life and gain a sense of identity back. In my professional life I have done this, but my personal life struggles. For so long I/We were "Sarah and Davey", that it is hard to gain my own identity back. I am not worried about my career; I will soon succeed even my wildest dreams. I am just stunted by my personal life.
I am ready to release you from my life. I also on a weekly basis encounter people who want to tell me about you or have a discussion about you. I do not want to deal with this anymore. I do have a proposal on how to handle this I am ready to no longer be forced to deal with your presence. As to how to deal with it, I propose the following:
1. I've heard you have an apartment on the West side. You need to move out of the West side of Indianapolis, this has always been my side of town, I own a house here, and do not rent like you. I grew up here, and always want to live here. I would prefer if you were to leave Indianapolis all together, but I know this is more than I can ask. I do not want to risk running into you at any store.
2. We should officially divide our friends. Particularly Jim, Jillian, Amy, and Ed. You should write them, thanking them for the opportunity to be their friend and explain why you can no longer be in contact with them. I can provide you with addresses, if you need.
3. I will stay out of Republican politics. I promise not to get involved with any Republican politics, unless my father runs for judge, and than I reserve the right to work on his campaign.
4. I would like you to not have anything to do with all things Cathedral. I feel I should have ownership of the school since my mother works there and my brother and sisters went there. You are more tied to Wabash. This should be where you dedicate your alumni status. I will be involved in Cathedral. When the time of reunions comes up, I am willing to say that you can have the reunions ending in "0" years and I will take the"5" years. So you can have 10 years and I will take 25 years.
5. I will avoid Wabash contacts. The few guys from the house I still speak to on a rare basis, I will not. I will also discourage any male offspring I have from attending Wabash.
I know some of these things seem a bit harsh, but I feel they are for the best. I do not ever really wish to see you again. I know that this will of course happen beyond my control, but I think we should do our best to avoid what we can.
It is my sincere hope that you understand, and do take the time to respond. This is my last request of you.
With fondness,
Sarah
______________________________________
Davey's Response
May 31, 2005
Dear Sarah,
Thanks for your letter. We broke up 3 years ago. Knowing that and taking into consideration you believe me to be a cold, career focused, ego-maniac, what on earth makes you think I would take the time to think about you or agree to your proposal? But since I clearly have taken the time to respond, please take a moment to review some comments and counterproposals I have crafted.
1. First, I will have to resist the burning urge to move RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO YOU. After that deep desire subsides, I will vacate the Westside and return to my roots: The Snooty Northside, as you used to call it. However, since I was born on the Northside and I have Northside in my veins you must abdicate all ties to the North. This includes: Living on the Northside, living on the Northeastside, walking down North Street, being a fan of the Dallas Stars (formerly the Minnesota North Stars), weari ng North Face apparel or telling your children that Santa lives at the North Pole.
1 (B). I was born in Indianapolis before you were so I should really get to determine who stays and who goes. In my benevolence I will let you exist here only within the St. Michael's Parish boundary (MLK Dr. to High School Rd. and 56th Street to 10th St.) We will call this the SarahZone. This should be acceptable for you as your family lives across the street and there is a gas station, grocery, convenience store, your place of employment and a fire station. Exceptions can be made with my expressed written consent. You will be required to display a large tag in your windshield giving you permission to travel beyond the SarahZone.
2. I haven't talked to your friends since we broke up. I think they got the message. However since we apparently are still in fourth grade, please have your friends meet me by the playground at recess so that I can tell them they have big fat heads and they aren't my friends anymore. Do you agree? _______Yes ________No ________Maybe
2 (B). One of the few times you let us do something fun, we visited some of my family friends on Geist. It was about eight years ago. We enjoyed their boat and home for several hours during a pre-500 party. Please jot them a note saying you are going to forget that ever happened. Please also offer to reimburse them for the boat gas, pool chlorine, air conditioning Freon, Dr. Pepper and anything else you consumed while you were there. I don't have their address anymore, you can look it up.
3. Please let me know when your father runs for anything. I'm going to run against him.
3 (B). Thanks for staying out of Republican politics. Your heavyweight presence in the party will be sorely missed. I am very involved in ice hockey. I play recreationally and coach a youth team in the winter. I would prefer it if you could stop being involved in all things related to ice and ice hockey . You can use those instant first aid coldpaks to cool your drinks from now on. Also, my parents have been very involved with the Indianapolis 500 Festival for nearly 20 years. The month of May is really a big month for us. While I am not able to honor your request of moving out of Indianapolis, I would ask that you just leave town during May. With 250,000 fans going to the race and 35,000 runners in the Mini-Marathon, I don't want to run the risk of bumping into you. I know your birthday is in May, but man, I just don't care.
4. Christ, I don't have the energy for this one.
5. If any of my friends from Wabash actually still talk to you, they are fucking fired as friends.
5 (B). I'm not going to tell my kids anything about you. But speaking of kids, it would be okay with me if my son was a crack addict, just as long as he got your kids hooked on it and became their dealer.
In closing, I will never make decisions about my life or my family based on whether I might run into you at the store. I am now convinced that if we ever do bump into each other, you will spontaneously combust. I wish you the best of luck find a spouse. Seriously. It won't be easy to find a person who is willing to spend the rest of his life raising children and making decisions based on your crazy-ass proposal to an ex-boyfriend and your inability to act like a rational human being.
All my best,
Davey
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