I had this dream last night and I'm pissed off so here's the scenario. I'm in line to check out at Target and I've got my wife and kids with me. Everyone knows that Target has the best selection of Icee drinks (white cherry, c'mon...). Anyway, there is an Icee machine on top of one of those two door Coke cabinet coolers they put in every other line at target. I am next in line and I am parallel with the machine. As my wife moves forward with the cart, I decide that I really do want an Icee and I'm going to give in to temptation. So, I reach up (I'm a short guy so this is important), grab a small cup from the sleeve dispenser and start to fill up my Icee with a "Mint Lemonade" flavor mixture.

As I'm about halfway through filling up my cup, this big burly fat dude about two spots back from me in line takes an empty cup and pushes mine off the dispenser causing it to spill on my head (remember I'm a short dude--5' 5" and he was probably about 5'11", 280 pounds and wore this ridiculous belt buckle and jeans garb like you'd see in the Travolta movie Urban Cowboy).

Now, just because I'm a short guy doesn't mean I can't kick someone's ass or get deep into someone's shit in a public place--I do and I'm mean as hell when I've got my Irish up. There have been a few times in my life where my motto goes from "Do what pleases you as long as it doesn't hurt my life, my property or those of my friends and loved ones" to "Is this a private fight or can anyone join?"

So, I rip into this prick in line, telling him I'm going to file a formal complaint with the manager and take him to court, etc. I'm snapping pictures of him, his wife and the Icee machine on my camera phone, e-mailing my lawyer from my Blackberry and measuring off the exact distances of our proximity to the Icee machine with the tape measure my wife keeps in her purse.

His wife rips a throw-away Kodak from the end cap shelf and starts snapping her own evidence at the "crime scene."

Then the dream shifted to the court room and there are lawyers and media and the PR teams from Target and Icee are there.

And this big bully jackass prick has the nerve to have his lawyer claim the defense of him having to take his pill which super ceded my right of way to the Icee machine because I was closer in line to checking out (in fact, actually checking out).

So, my lawyer put this prick on the stand and ripped into his shit about what pill would you have to take that was so urgent that you couldn't wait five three minutes to take it with water.

The guy said it was his insulin pill because he was a Type II diabetic.

My lawyer then said, so you needed a sugar ice drink to take your insulin pill because your blood sugar was too high?

The guy's case folded like Jessup in front of the faggity white uniform.

To finish him off, my lawyer said, "And why didn't you reach for an Aquafina in the cooler case beneath the Icee machine?"

And the guy said, "Because I could reach the Icee machine but this guy and his cart were blocking the cooler doors.."

And there it was--this mother&*%^^# was a height bigot without patience to wait one minute until I was check out. Well, f&*# him because I sued him and Target for 50 million bucks (in my dream) and won. Here the dream ended and I woke up relieved to have not entered the American court system at all.

The moral of this little Just because you are taller and fatter than most other Americans, doesn't give you the right to bully your way into possession of our high-fructose, no-nutrition national resources.

In fact, fooling around with my Mint Lemonade small Icee could get your ass shot in the hood I be comin' from, Jack.