counter customizable free hit

December 11, 2006

Did I Ever Tell You About the Time at Jesus's Dentist

by Joshua Minton

When I graduated from college in the Spring of 2000, I hadn't been to see the dentist in over five years. And I still hadn't gone by the time I settled in with full time benefits at Anthem Blue Cross & Blue Shield in Cincinnati in the late Summer of said year.

Since cleanings and checkups were free with my insurance, I figured what the H? And I did the dumbest thing I possibly could--I opened the yellow pages and picked the first cool ad I found that was near to work and home.

The lucky dentistry practice was named Kingdom Family Dentistry and it was right around the corner from my work and on my way home at the time. I made my appointment for a Friday afternoon.

When I got there, nothing seemed out of the ordinary--it was a standalone ranch building that housed only the dentist office. The dentist was a beautiful black woman, mature but still classy. The office staff was nice enough.

I had to get x-rays with those insufferable frigging bitewings where the plastic cuts into your gums and you smile like a damned fool while high intensity power waves ripple through your gray matter.

As an aside, how safe does it make you feel when the hygenist goes around he frigging corner to push the button to avoid being hit with the rays herself.
I got into the chair and the hygenist started poking around and scraping inside my mouth. I always thought there should be a superhero who was hit by gamma rays and mutated in the dentist chair--perhaps The Molinator like in The Santa Clause 2. But I digress.

After the x-rays, the hygeinist starts poking around and scraping. She finds two cavities that she says the dentist will fill during that visit. So, she finishes with her cleaning and the dentist comes in and pokes and scrapes some more.

Then the drill came out and shit got crazy. Just after I was novacained up and before she put the drill in my mouth; she hit play on one of those little tv/vcro combos posted in the upper right hand corner of the office. I thought, this lady is going to watch soap operas while she drills my teeth.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

All of the sudden, this church shit starts up at full, surround sound volume. It was like being front row in a Billy Graham revival. And the worst thing was that the preacher was Rod fucking Parsley.

Those of you who have read this blog for years, know of my eternal and infernal disdain for this gruesome specimen of humanity and if you don't, feel free to catch up here.

Apparently, the word "Kingdom" in the practice name had more metaphyiscal applications than someone's last name (come to think of it, I've never heard of anyone with the last name of Kingdom so double dumb ass on me). And now I've got this crazy religious dentist lady drilling my teeth while Rod Parsley rages and sweats and ear splitting volume.

People, I'm telling you--I was in the fourth circle of Dante's hell (the fifth is reserved for Parsley himself and the sixth through eighth is for Haliburton and Enron execs whose sins have impelled God to evict the Devil back up to the slums of heaven, finally answering Tupac's immortal question of whether Heaven has a ghetto too).

Now, don't get me wrong--if you're a devoutly religious person and being esconced in the middle of quaint second through fourth century Middle Eastern metaphor and ritual get you through the day--more power to you.

If giving yourself over to the belief that you are inherently better than other human beings because of the direction that your thoughts flow as the electrical impulses spark and jump the gaps between neurons in your brain--I say, "A Salud!"

But don't fucking strap me down with a drill in my mouth and subject me to what would be construed as torture under the Geneva convention because I was too stupid to read the fine print in your yellow pages ad.

Needless to say, I did not schedule a follow up visit six months later. But, oddly enough--my teeth never felt cleaner. Go figure.

LINKS:
  • Reverse_Vampyr has a health issue and needs your prayers and kind thoughts--help a brother out and wish him well

  • WKRP is finally coming to DVD (with some substituted music, of course)

  • Infidel753 left a comment with a blog link here the other day. Check his blog out here--very insightful and pithy commentary on social issues there. He's earned a probationary spot on the BWP blogroll (don't worry Infidel, I'm not as viscious as JD is with cutting his blogroll--he cleans house frequently!)

Permalink

DIGG THIS | del.icio.us


Other Posts in the Category: Personal, Religion/Spirituality